There is a unique kind of fear that grips me when I know I have to heal. It’s not just the fear of pain or discomfort—it’s the fear of the entire healing journey. The thought of enduring setbacks, facing uncertainty, and dealing with the long road ahead can be overwhelming. When you live with an autoimmune disease, this fear feels even more intense. It’s the fear that the healing process might never end, and that I might never feel like myself again or reach the vibrant life I dream of. The idea that a flare-up could be just around the corner and dreading what it might take to recover. This feeling can be so strong it can make me want to avoid anything that could trigger it. But there are times when we must experience pain, especially if it’s part of the road to healing or finding answers.

Identifying the Fear of Healing

Over time, I’ve realized that a big part of my life is ruled by the fear of healing. It holds me back from doing the things I want to do. Sometimes, even small actions are affected by it. The fear of getting bug bites stops me from going for walks. The fear of injury makes me avoid yard work. Even though I want to have a child, the thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares me. The healing process that comes with it is daunting.

When Healing Involves Pain

Having a chronic illness sometimes means putting yourself through difficult, uncomfortable times to get the outcome you want. Even though the fear of healing is overwhelming, there’s a belief that the end result is worth it. I’m experiencing a Hashimoto’s flare right now, after years of being in remission. My doctor suggested a few tests to figure out why I still have digestive issues despite being in remission. So, I took on what I call the “gluten challenge” for two weeks to test for celiac disease. It wasn’t easy, but I made it through.

I also had to prepare for my first-ever colonoscopy. The prep was tough—drinking a giant jug of stuff that made me nauseous and left me sleep-deprived. The procedure itself was scary, especially because I had to trust strangers with my health. The pain and stress really pushed me to my limit. Now, I’m in full-blown flare, feeling drained and unsure if I’ll ever feel like my energetic self again.

Facing the Fear of Healing and Seeking Answers

I’ve never been content with stagnation—I want to grow and understand myself better. I know that the pain I go through is part of that process. Even if the answers aren’t what I expect, the journey still teaches me something. I remind myself that the fear of healing won’t last forever, but the lessons I learn along the way will stick with me.

Even if I only learn that I’m strong enough to heal, that’s still valuable. Each step, no matter how painful, brings me closer to being a new, stronger version of myself.

Pregnancy as a Metaphor for Healing

Another example of this healing fear is pregnancy. The idea of being pregnant, uncomfortable for nine months, and facing the pain of childbirth is terrifying. Then, there’s the long healing process afterward. But the transformation that comes with becoming a mother is undeniable. The discomfort is part of the change. The fear of the process is real, but so is the joy that follows. Healing is a similar journey—it’s uncomfortable, but the growth makes it worth it.

Healing Is Happening, Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It

When you have a chronic illness, healing isn’t always clear. There are tough days, days where you don’t feel like you’re making progress. But I remind myself that healing is happening—whether I see it or not. Each day, even the hard ones, is a step forward. I will heal. It may take time, but as long as I keep moving, I know I’ll get there.

Coping with the Fear of Healing

Dealing with the fear of healing requires tools to help you stay grounded. For me, mindfulness has been key. Deep breathing, meditation, and yoga keep me focused when I feel overwhelmed. Therapy provides a space to talk about my fears and frustrations. Having a support system is so important—being with people who understand that I’m not alone gives me strength.

Small Steps Lead to Big Healing

The other night, I lay in bed, overwhelmed with anxiety and the fear that the pain might never end. But instead of letting it consume me, I focused on small, manageable steps. I used mantras my therapist helped me create: “I am healing. I am safe. I am capable.” I counted my breaths, focused on the present, and eventually fell asleep. That night, I celebrated a small victory. These moments—small wins like these—are healing breadcrumbs. They lead me to the bigger milestones on my journey.

For more on how to navigate your healing journey and find hope in small moments, check out my other post, Navigating the Healing Journey: Finding Hope in Small Moments.

Conclusion: Embracing the Healing Path Ahead

Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s a winding road, full of ups and downs. But I know that every small step—whether it’s brushing my teeth, going to a doctor’s appointment, or undergoing a test—moves me forward. If you’re facing the fear of healing, I encourage you to take it one step at a time. Be kind to yourself, and remember that healing isn’t linear. Surround yourself with supportive people and ask for help when you need it. If you’re looking for a supportive community to share your journey with, our Facebook group is here for you. Together, we can inspire and encourage each other as we heal.

I know the fear of healing is real. But I also know that I’m capable, and so are you. With patience and persistence, we’ll both get through this—one step at a time.